Illuminati
by DaniPhantomFan
Summary: I found this 50 Horrible Things About the Illuminati by someone named Steve Jackson so I copied and pasted it to a Word Document, added my thoughts in several places, and then uploaded it to here. Also, the lettering size is 13. 5...I don't know WHY... I'm rating it M just because I don't know what people know or think about the Illuminati... Here's the link:


_**Illuminati**_

There are many Illuminated groups, with different kinds of secret knowledge. Anything you might say about them (including this) will be false for some of the Illuminati, but true for others, which only adds to the confusion and mystery.

The Illuminati infiltrate and take over organizations of all kinds, from churches to the post office to the corner grocery store, and turn them to their own ends.

My Thoughts on # 2: Well, okay. I don't see why they would need to take over a _grocery store_…wait…does that 13. 5? I didn't know that existed…anyway, I don't see why they need to take over stores. People just buy stuff at stores.

And, just as a black joke, some of their subject organizations _advertise_ themselves as Secret Societies.

My Thoughts on # 3: Weird…

They have agents and "sleepers" planted everywhere. Many of these people have no idea who they are really reporting to. Others are active members of the conspiracy, working their way ever deeper into the fabric of society.

My Thoughts on # 4: I don't report to anybody. Not even the all-controlling principal at EA. (I secretly rebel against her in whatever way I can…yes!)

They control the schools in order to make sure that young people learn to enjoy strange tuneless music and weird outlandish games, and that they dress oddly.

My Thoughts on # 5: I was in 3rd grade once, up in Camas, Washington at Illahee Elementary School. See? I remembered the name, even after five years! Ha! Anyway, I don't see why "strange tuneless music" and "weird outlandish games" and "dressing oddly" should be a bad thing…

They also try to recruit the best and the brightest young people as agents, to ensure the next generation of the Conspiracy.

My Thoughts on # 6: Well, I'm pretty smart. Not as smart as…what was the group called…? MENSA? But I'm still pretty smart. Not on anything that has to do with math, though. But I _love _Greek Mythology. I even invented a new supreme deity! I don't know if the Greeks came up with a ruler of the universe, though…

They constantly feud among themselves and war with other groups and organizations. Each group of Illuminati is constantly striving to increase its power base and undermine the competition.

Their first means of dealing with opposition is to buy it off. To any group as rich as the Illuminati, a few million dollars are nothing.

My Thoughts on # 8: Cool…Monsanto… (Random, ignore it)

Next they try threats. Danger to possessions, status or loved ones has dissuaded many a would-be foe of Illuminati schemes.

My Thoughts on # 9: Status? What status? What are you talking about? I have no status. (Seriously, though, I have no reputation. I'm invisible! Ha!)

And, of course, murder is an ancient political weapon. The Illuminati have been responsible for some of the most shocking assassinations of modern times.

My Thoughts on # 10: JFK!

They also replace people with doubles. For many years they recruited look-alikes who would serve their ends. Now they are perfecting cloning technology that will let them replace _anybody_.

My Thoughts on # 11: Okay, seriously? _Cloning technology? _Well, I find that sort of hard to believe right now. Maybe later…

Those who can't be dealt with any other way are discredited or driven mad.

My Thoughts on # 12: Driven mad? Please. They can never drive me mad! I'm too far down in the _freakishly sane _level to EVER be driven mad. Especially by these wacko people…who I just heard about…

The Illuminati conspiracy is hundreds, if not thousands, of years old. Many of the most famous names of history have been Illuminated, or Illuminati agents. Indeed, all of history is nothing more than an outside view of the schemes and struggles of the Illuminati.

And, of course, the Illuminati are constantly rewriting history to serve their own goals. For instance, modern schoolchildren are taught that there is no historical evidence of Jesus Christ, and they learn nothing about the Russo-German War or the state of Arcadia.

My Thoughts on # 14: Well, the "Illuminati" is right on the first one. There is no historical evidence of Jesus Christ because Jesus Christ never existed! Plus…plus, Jesus Christ was just one of many versions throughout history! The Greeks' Dionysus, the Egyptians… (Some god, I forgot his name…). Their life stories are all the same as Jesus Christ.

They control the news media, so you hear what they want you to about today's news. Any event that doesn't fit in with their program will be quickly hushed up.

My Thoughts on # 15: So does the government…

In particular, they control television. They don't permit intelligent shows to survive; they encourage mind candy that will keep people from thinking. The only reason good shows are permitted to appear at all is to convince intelligent people that nobody else likes such material, and that there must be something wrong with _them_.

My Thoughts on # 16: Well, I barely watch TV anyway. My _parents _are the ones who are always watching TV. Me and my sister do other stuff, like play outside or sneak into the exercise room where no kids under fourteen are allowed. Kids fourteen and under can enter ONLY if they're with an adult. (I'm twelve, my sister's five. And we've only gotten kicked out once!)

The Illuminati manipulate the stock market and control currencies on an international level. Your paycheck is worth just what the Illuminati want it to be.

My Thoughts on # 17: The truth is coming out…I'm not gonna pay. Sorry, haha.

Likewise, the entire "energy crisis" is an Illuminati invention. There's no shortage of energy, of a dozen different kinds, but plentiful free energy might threaten the Illuminated power base.

The Illuminati are doing their best to hold back the space program, for the same reason. If mankind was spread out through the solar system, they'd be much harder to control. [Not all the Illuminati agree on this. Some of them lust after the mineral wealth of space, and some want (literally) new worlds to conquer.

My Thoughts on # 19: Well, I'd never trust NASA (National Aeronautics & Space Administration) to be on the citizen's side. They have not released ANY photos of the dark side of the moon. And that stuff about NK (North Korea) coming to blow us up? Puh-lease, people. Be smarter than the TV. NK does NOT have the technology to blow us up, but WE do. The only reason they brought up NK is because of this New World Order thing. They want to BLOW NK up and erase it from existence. Anyway, I'd say we're a long time away from developing space craft to shoot millions of light-years into outer space, so I'm not worried about the "Illuminati" blocking the space program. By the time NASA or someone else develops a craft like that, the Illuminati will be _gone_, I SWEAR.

And some of them are in touch with aliens from outer space. Some of them ARE aliens. Why would "advanced beings" want to meddle with the affairs of Earthlings? Good question.

My Thoughts on # 20: Aliens don't even want to mess with human affairs. Of this, I am sure.

Worse, some of them have actual magical powers and are in league with forces from . . . elsewhere. Great huge beings that are madness to look upon, or tiny, malicious things that glare and gibber from dark corners. They have pins and dolls; they know old names.

My Thoughts on # 21: …Wow…just sad. They do not have magical powers, and I do not believe that those kinds of beings exist.

Other Illuminati have embraced technology. Their files of information are much more useful when backed by the power of the computer. They are also conditioning everyone to believe that computers are so complicated and dangerous that only the Experts should play with them. Next time you get an electric bill for $666,666.66, you know who's behind it.

My Thoughts on # 22: Please, computers are not complicated. You just have to know how to use one. Then it's really easy.

And some of these technophiles have gone a step farther, creating actual machine intelligences. These sentient computers are now, themselves, a force amoung the ruling Illuminati.

The Illuminati don't like war; it's expensive and wasteful. War only happens when two groups of Illuminati are very evenly matched and neither is willing to negotiate. But then they whip a few nations into a patriotic fervor and go at it.

They send secret messages through the newspapers and airwaves – in the classified ads, and even buried in news reports. They have other, even stranger forms of secret communications . . . all around you, all the time.

They keep everyone – yes, _everyone_ – under constant surveillance. Every time you fill out another questionnaire, you're weaving another strand of the net that binds the world.

My Thoughts on # 26: Well, I haven't filled out a questionnaire in almost six months, so I imagine they're desperate for what's new with me. Ha-ha.

They are working to make the law as confusing as possible, so everything will be illegal or potentially illegal – then they have a hold on everybody and everyone will fear the laws.

My Thoughts on # 27: Rules? I break rules every day. I'm not afraid of rules.

They encourage resistance to authority among young people and political dissidents, to distract government attention from the real enemy within.

But when they reach a satisfactory level of control, they turn their efforts toward extinguishing independence and encouraging mindless obedience to whatever orders come from the Illuminati or their servants.

My Thoughts on # 29: Blah. If that ever happens, I'll sneak aboard a NASA space shuttle and blast off to the moon, or to another planet that supports life. Or maybe I'll live deep in the mountains.

They commit random atrocities – poisoning food at grocery stores, murdering old blind ladies, sniping on the freeway – just to make people vaguely confused, frightened and paranoid.

My Thoughts on # 30: When did this happen? I don't pay attention to the news. So it can't bother me…

They suppress inventions which might change the status quo. The 100-mile-a-gallon carburator, the perfect contraceptive, and the cornucopia plant are all lying in Illuminati vaults, waiting for the day when it will suit the Secret Masters to release them. What happened to the inventors? Bought off, intimidated, or just vanished.

My Thoughts on # 31: I have a great invention! No really, I do.

On the other hand, they also maintain secret laboratories where they develop new weapons and devices of all kind.

Their arcane investigations cause all sorts of mysteries. Ever wonder about the Loch Ness Monster? The "cattle mutilations?" The Oregon Crud.

My Thoughts on # 33: Well, Bigfoot (or Sasquatch, which means Bigfoot, ha-ha) IS real. No matter what someone says, Bigfoot was not created by the "Illuminati."

And they require hundreds of _human_ victims every year for their experiments. Ever wonder why there are so many Missing Persons reports, and why so few of those people are found.

My Thoughts on # 34: I stay in too much to ever go missing. And I have _some _tricks that I know, too.

They are constantly experimenting with new types of mind control. They put drugs in drinking water, flash subliminal messages during movies and TV shows, and play instructions that you can't quite hear over supermarket loudspeakers. They experiment with microwaves and ultra-low-frequency devices, too.

My Thoughts on # 35: I'm always daydreaming or reading a book whenever I watch TV or go to the supermarket, so I'm not really paying attention to the "instructions" and "subliminal messages." I don't think it can work then.

And every wire in your house is a potential pathway for Illuminati messages, attacks or controlling rays. Did you ever stop to think just how many wires lead to your house? And do you have any idea where they _really_ come from?

Naturally, they discourage investigation of the strange and unusual, because it might lead to them. But they encourage people to joke about the Illuminati.

My Thoughts on # 37: I'm always investigating strange stuff. Like the unseen cat who keeps meowing beneath my window every night…(I'm not lying about that.)

They also publish supermarket tabloids, just to make sure that everybody thinks "Hitler's Brain Is Alive!" and "Bigfoot Seen in Hawaii" is just jokes.

And they encourage the craziest pseudo-science "researchers" they can find, because this tends to discredit legitimate investigators into the unusual.

My Thoughts on # 39: Well, that doesn't work on me. Sorry, suckers! Hehehe

A popular belief is that the Illuminati want power for its own sake. This is true of some of them. But other Illuminated groups exist to support an ideology, to achieve a particular goal, or simply to oppose some other group of Illuminati.

One of their chief preoccupations is life extension by any means possible. Nobody who has held ultimate power for fifty years is eager to let it go. Anything you can think of . . . yoga, cryonics, body-exchange, magic, cloning, goat (or other) glands, transfusions, computerized personality duplication . . . has been tried by the Illuminati at one time or another. And some of them work.

Furthermore, powerful Illuminati from past centuries lie waiting to be revived when science allows it. Mummies, pickled corpses, frozen bodies, _conscious brains in jars_ . . . you would recognize the names if we could mention them.

You're not cleared for this one.

My Thoughts on # 43: Who cares? Because I'm starting to think that the Illuminati is fake…

They use disease as a weapon to discipline their own populations or destroy competing ones. Black Death in Europe, smallpox among the American Indians . . . The swine flu, a few years ago, was thwarted by opposing forces, or you probably wouldn't be reading this.

They have a variety of unhuman and inhuman servants. The dreaded Men in Black are perhaps their best-known agents. No one knows whether the MIBs are androids, golems, or something even worse. Perhaps they were _once_ human . . .

My Thoughts on # 45: Wasn't the MIB in a movie or something?

And they really are breeding a Master Race. The Nazis had no idea how they were being used, or why. And they'd be horrified at the Illuminati's idea of perfection.

The Illuminati know weird sexual techniques undreamed of in the Kama Sutra. They also know _why_ those techniques are used.

The next time you spend too much money to buy something you didn't want or need, and it breaks in a week, you can be sure you've just contributed to an Illuminati fund-raising project.

They start chain letters. They also plant rumors that the Red Cross can buy an iron lung if you send them a million cigarette packages, and that dying children in England want ten million business cards. No one knows why they do this.


End file.
